Musings on Things God Didn’t Give Me
I’ve often asked the Lord about three desirable things He never gave me.
One, He didn’t give me a lovely singing voice. He didn’t make me a soprano with a voice that can soar way up into the stratosphere. I cannot sing any note beyond re.
But I do love to sing. I love singing to my Lord. The Bible says to make a loud noise to the Lord – not a melodious noise – so I sing really loud in church. And that is why my sons won’t sit next to me in worship services.
Two, God didn’t bless me with physical traits that take one’s breath away. It would have been great to have eyes as expressive as Nora Aunor’s, to have skin as milky smooth as Vilma Santos’s, and to be as tall as Venus Raj. Instead I have skin as smooth as Nora Aunor’s, I am about as tall as Vilma Santos…and have nothing in common at all with Venus Raj.
I remember one day back in the early 80’s. My father had been taken ill, and a group of church friends came to pray for him. They were joined by members of the family, including my son, Mon, just five then. We formed a circle around my father and started praying for him, one at a time. When it was my son’s turn, he sincerely prayed, “Panginoon, pagandahin mo po ang Mommy ko. (Dear Lord, please make my Mommy pretty.)” Some 25 years later, my Mon’s son, Monchito, echoed that sentiment when he asked me, “Lola, why aren’t you pretty?”
And three, God didn’t give me the gift of writing. I struggle with choosing just the right words and organizing the thoughts that race through my mind for a blog entry like this one.
At my age I have realized three things instead.
I’ve realized that God didn’t give me the ability to sing well so that I would listen more closely to His voice through hymns and contemporary songs sung by others. Moreover, so that I would listen carefully and wholeheartedly and allow my spirit to be lifted through His Word and message set to music.
Instead of giving me stunning good looks, God has given me a sense of appreciation for beauty in other women – for those who are lovely in form, face and complexion, for statuesque women with well-proportioned features, for women who carry themselves with grace and dignity.
And because I cannot write well I enjoy the work of those who do. I love listening to poetry readings. I admire those who – without too much effort – can write thought-provoking columns day after day after day, speeches that compel one to action, anecdotes that makes me laugh out loud, or lively articles that actually paint pictures with words.
He also gave a love for reading inspirational books, novels, and biographies of great men and women of God.
God has made me realize that He completes me through gifts He has given others. And for that I am truly grateful.
In all things give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you all. I Thessalonians 5: 18
My High School Art Teacher
Into each life God sends people whose influence lasts a lifetime. In my case, one of those persons was a high school teacher.
People who are close to me know I love attending ballets and plays. I enjoy classical music pieces as well as kundimans. I am thrilled with paintings and antique furniture.
I attribute this enduring appreciation for art to Mrs. Emma Nepomuceno Pangilinan. She was my art appreciation teacher during my first and second years of high school at the UP Preparatory School in what is now occupied by UP Manila.
Mrs. Pangilinan had a special way of teaching. Her lectures were short and basic, then she would take us on long walks in Ermita where we would stop at one gallery after another and be introduced to works of artists of that time. We learned to ‘read’ stories from scenes painted on a canvas and to recognize the mediums the artists used and their styles. One of those artists was Fernando Amorsolo who reached the peak of his popularity in the late 1940s and 1950s and was named the country’s first national artist just more than a decade later.
The art appreciation classes I belonged to were among the first audiences to enjoy the acoustics of Philam Life Theater, inaugurated in 1961. We simply had to cut across the grounds of what was then the Department of Foreign Affairs to get to the theater for performances of string quartets , chamber orchestras, symphony orchestras, or solo performances of classical music.
I was born to educated parents, belonged to a middle class family, and although families living in the province have priorities that are different from those of city dwellers, they had provided for piano lessons until I was in the second grade. Mrs. Pangilinan introduced me to a wider world of music.
I wish I had a picture of her that I could use in this blog. I don’t, but I remember her well in my mind: she had stunning good looks, being a former beauty queen. She was a statuesque mestiza who held her long hair back in a pony tail with some strands left outside the band and which she tucked behind her ear. She had a lovely soprano voice too.
The Internet describes Emma Nepomuceno Pangilinan simply as ‘a public school teacher.’ With this blog I want to change that. She had an impact on a whole generation of UP students. She is one of my unsung heroes, a teacher extraordinaire.
Three Lives
Today CCT steps into its 20th year of ministry. We have had a lot of triumphs to celebrate in the Lord, and, like everyone else, also some very trying times. As I look back, I can tell you without a moment’s hesitation the most difficult month of all: May 2007.
I was at the airport on May 2, a Wednesday, waiting for an afternoon flight to Davao where I was to join some middle management staff at a spiritual retreat. Just before boarding I got one of the two most shocking phone calls of my life. Lou Dellero, a project assistant and a front-liner in our microfinance program in Davao, had been shot in the back and killed while on his motorbike, on his way back to the CCT office after holding a fellowship meeting.
From the airport I went straight to the morgue where Lou’s body had been brought.Because it would take some time for his parents to be informed and to travel from their home in another part of Mindanao, the Davao senior staff made the necessary arrangements for his wake.
The following morning I proceeded to Samal island, off the east coast of Davao City, to finally join the retreat. But right before lunch another horrifying call came in. It was a terrified male voice speaking in a Visayan language I do not understand, and crying at the same time. I passed the phone to Pastor Ed Tuazon who announced solemnly afterward that two of our staff had just been brutally murdered right in one of our Davao branch offices.
I found myself on a barge back to the Davao mainland, and – for the first time in my life – I got on the back of a motorcycle for a 45-minute ride to the office where Pablito Hanggam and Venus Gante had been knifed to death. Again, since their families were nowhere near, I was requested to identify the bodies. Only God’s grace prepared me for the sight of the bodies lying in pools of blood, the blood-spattered walls, and for the wails of the staff reeling with horror and disbelief over how they had lost three friends and co-workers within the span of 24 hours.
Also, knowing that the media would ask malicious questions and blow this whole thing out of proportion , I called corporate members for prayer and advice. Dante Velasco, public relations executive, advised me to focus on the positive and offered to prepare a press statement. Board Member James Tioco said to emphasize the heroism these staff exhibited by working among the poor.
All during this time the lines of Precious Lord, Take My Hand, a song from way back in my childhood, came to mind.
Precious Lord, take my hand
Lead me on, let me stand
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn.
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.
(Rev. Thomas Dorsey, 1938)
These words became the continuing prayer of my heart as I arranged for autopsies and mortician services, answered the questions of police investigators, faced grieving relatives and angry parents, and tried to comfort CCT staff and bewildered partners from the poor communities where these young people had served.
I myself asked God why He would allow these things to happen. But then He would gently remind me of how Stephen had died, of the hardships suffered by Paul, Peter, and the early Christians, and the positive results their suffering had on the spreading of the Gospel.
As if matters were not bad enough, during a quick trip to Manila and back on Friday, I stepped into the only hole in a wide expanse of airport pavement – and broke my leg.
Those of you familiar with CCT operations know that we hold a corporate worship service every Saturday. We had announced that the service would be held at the funeral home where the bodies lay for visitation and paying of respects. But during my quiet time with the Lord early that morning I got the impression that He wanted me to move the service back to the area office where it was regularly held. At 5:30, half an hour before the worship service was to start, heeding the Holy Spirit’s prodding, I called someone to announce the change of venue.
If no one came it would be understandable. Intimidation was coming from Satan. Families of the staff wanted them to quit working with CCT. Fear gripped everyone, especially the married men and family breadwinners. But the place began to fill up with staff and community partners and as hearts and worried thoughts were lifted up to God, fear and pain slowly turned to hope. The whole worship service turned into a celebration of the lives and ministry of the three young people, and of God’s sovereignty. Many stood up to testify of how blessed it would be to die serving the Lord. Acknowledging that God was in control, the core group of our Mindanao operations declared the Lordship of Jesus.
It was a month before the last body was laid to rest because all three had to be transported to their home towns. God’s grace sustained us during those difficult weeks. Friends flew to Davao to offer assistance, support, and comfort. We felt the love of the local people. The negative impact of the crimes and media coverage were kept to a minimum. And that year the Davao staff recorded their best performance ever.
”Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example…” 1 Peter 2:21
Dear Father, when hard times come our way, when things happen that we find hard to accept or even comprehend, help us to trust in your wisdom. Help us to realize that you are aware of what goes on in our lives, that in fact everything is under your control, that you are always in charge. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
What God Meant Me to Do
I can remember the exact moment I realized that CCT was what God meant me to do.
The father-in-law of one of the staff died during CCT’s first year of operations. As is expected of Filipinos, a few other personnel and I went to the wake. It was in one of the most depressed areas of San Juan, Metro Manila.
I had never seen poverty — urban or rural — on the scale that I did that evening back in 1992. The stench of rotting garbage, human waste, and squalor hung heavy in the air. To get to the house we had to cross a footbridge of wooden planks. Sometimes there were two planks side by side. Sometimes there was just one. Sometimes there was a rickety rail to hold on to, sometimes there was none. There was no electricity; no light from open windows fell across our feet. As we stepped gingerly, careful not to fall into the filthy, stagnant water we were aided by the beams of flashlights we had been advised to bring.
The tiny house creaked and a few candles flickered as we seated ourselves right next to the coffin. What if this coffin topples over, what if the floor gives way under our added weight, I wondered. How will we ever get out of this place? I grew up in rural Nueva Ecija with its vast rice fields and this was the first time I had set foot in a slum community. I was overwhelmed by the crowdedness, and deeply disturbed by the deprivation and the misery all around.
But as one of the staff led us in the singing of Amazing Grace I began to feel that even in that place God was present. The hymn’s lyrics had nothing to do with the situation I was in but it just filled me with comfort and hope and with the joy of having a relationship with God.
As our voices wafted over the quiet community a sense of peace began to settle over me as I realized that regardless of one’s circumstances God is sovereign, God is King over all.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
I left that slum filled with the strong and joyful conviction that God had always planned for me to go into places like this to share the good news of a new life and hope in Christ Jesus.
Isaiah 58:6 & 7 Is this not the fast which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free, and break every yoke? Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into the house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Father, your Word shows us that the poor are always on your mind. You identified with them. You commanded us to serve them. Fill our hearts with the love and compassion Jesus had for the needy. Help us to put this love into action. In His Name I pray, Amen.
Changing Manila’s Human Landscape
Along with some of CCT’s senior managers I recently inspected the Retreat and Training Center being built in Tagaytay. Its major buildings are nearing completion and will be able to accommodate guests by April. Aside from being a venue for CCT activities, leaders at CCT envision it to also be a place where anyone needing to come away for prayer or anyone seeking God can walk in and be ministered to. Staff will be on hand to meet prayer and counseling needs or to lead individually guided retreats if so requested. If you want to see pictures and read up on the construction progress please click on: http://ccttagaytay.blogspot.com
I really am excited about the privilege CCT will have, through the retreat center, of ministering to men and women seeking to fill a void in their lives or needing spiritual renewal. But even while still in the construction stage, this place has already been instrumental in changing lives.
As you already know, CCT reaches out to street dwellers though the Kaibigan Ministry. Sixty-two men being ministered to by Kaibigan were hired to work in Tagaytay. Many of them had already undergone evangelism and discipleship and had studied short courses on carpentry, masonry, plumbing, and practical electricity at the Training and Development Institute in Magdalena.
Praise God that with His intervention these Kaibigans are now living productive lives, paying taxes, supporting their families, and growing in their relationship with the Lord. They voted in the last elections. Their children will grow up with schooling and have been freed from the cycle of poverty.
All of these workers attend morning and evening devotions daily. On Saturdays they attend corporate worship on-site. On Sundays they attend worship services and the Alpha Course being led by my good friend Pastor Millet at the Christian Development Centre, also in Tagaytay.
But what were they like before they were taken off Manila’s streets? About half of these men supported themselves honestly with odd jobs – selling chips and soft drinks from wooden carts, selling cigarettes while dodging cars and jeepneys, collecting recyclable trash, or giving parking instructions to drivers parking cars on Manila’s crowded streets (if you have not seen how this is done you will have to visit the Philippines).
The rest were involved in crime ranging from the petty to the heinous. Some of them have been jailed but when released and finding themselves with nowhere to go went right back to the streets… and back to their old lives.
Let’s imagine five of these men on the street snatching one cellphone each week. With them off the street and gainfully employed that’s 520 less cellphones stolen in a year!
Let’s imagine 30 of these men on the street committing at least one petty crime each day. With them off the street that’s 900 less crimes a month and 10,800 less petty crimes a year! Praise the Lord for the good work He has begun in the lives of these men.
Luke 15:7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
Father, It simply is amazing and humbling to be involved in a ministry that helps to change Manila’s human landscape. Continue to use us as vessels of your blessing. In Christ’s Name I pray, Amen.
God’s Love and One Doting Grandmother
I became a grandma on May 8, 2005 and, honestly, I was baby struck right from the start. If you have recently become a grandparent — or if you recently made your parents grandparents — you will probably understand how I felt when Monchito was born and how I feel about him now. I have this incredible love for him. It just melts my heart to hear him call, “Lola (Filipino for grandmother)!” I am, unabashedly, one doting grandmother and I will do anything to keep him from harm.
God uses many of the happenings in my life involving my grandson to teach me about Himself, to get me to know Him better. I remember one morning a few years back when Monchito was still light enough for me to carry. I was probably still not fully awake because, five steps from the bottom, I lost balance. But as Monchito and I slid the rest of the way to the floor I instinctively wrapped myself around him, trying to shield him from all pain.
As we lay at the bottom of the stairs pain in my back totally immobilized me for several seconds. I could not move a single part of my body — but none of my thoughts were for myself. I could only think of Monchito’s safety. Was he also hurt? Was I able to keep him from bumping his head on the hard stairs? Did he have any scrapes or bruises?
And right then, God let me remember when His own Son was hanging on the cross. Jesus had just endured beatings. He was thirsty and dehydrated and bleeding. He was exhausted. There were nails in his hands and feet, and thorns were piercing his forehead. Yet even while in pain His thoughts were not for Himself, for the first words He spoke on the cross were: “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Even in moments of pure agony His thoughts were thoughts of love for worthless sinners.
God used those few moments before my husband came running to help us to help me realize just how much God really loves me. I came away from that experience in complete awe and with a deep, heartfelt appreciation of His great love for me.
The Love of God
By Frederick M. Lehman, 1917
O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.
Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made;
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.
Source: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mercyme-lyrics/the-love-of-god-lyrics.html
My loving Heavenly Father, Nothing, absolutely nothing, can compare with your measureless, amazing love for me. I am in awe of You. I love you. Amen.
Bible Studies and Micro Finance Do Go Together
Naysayers.
On February 8 Center for Community Transformation will mark 19 years of serving the Lord using a faith-based strategy to make a difference in the Philippine poverty situation. I recall our early years when a few people thought some screws in my head needed tightening. In the 70s and much of the 80s I had been involved in countless well-intentioned efforts for the oppressed. But I grew frustrated with all these, and sometime in 1988 I came to the conclusion that it is Jesus Christ alone who can transform a person and that is because he transforms a life from the inside.
Friends in the development world said something like, “Preaching and micro finance cannot be integrated.”
Leaders of evangelical churches were initially skeptical as well. Some turned down requests to hold fellowship meetings in their buildings for fear that the poor people would vandalize the facilities. Besides, “Evangelism and lending don’t mix,” they reasoned. But over the years, God has let us witness the transformation of lives that were reached when evangelism and discipleship were intentionally married with micro-finance and other CCT developmental programs.
Curtain Maker.
One such example is Emily Sumudivila, a curtain maker. Eleven years ago Emily’s curtain business was a one-woman micro-enterprise. “I did everything,” she says. “I would buy material, cut it, sew it, sell it.” Like all other micro entrepreneurs who join the CCT Credit Cooperative she received an initial loan of P4,000. Over the next few years the amount she received increased by P2,000 with each loan cycle. She eventually qualified to receive loans starting at P50,000.00 under CCT’s medium business loan program.
Meanwhile, her business also began to grow. At the start, Emily owned only one sewing machine, a pedal-type Singer sewing machine. With 18 more sewing machines today, her business provides a living to 26 seamstresses and sales staff. She hopes to buy ten more machines within the next three years; this gives her the potential of providing jobs for an equal number of seamstresses.
Life Change.
Even more inspiring is Emily’s inward transformation. “I used to be one of those who would stand at the back of the crowd during community worship and heckle the pastor or the praise and worship leaders,” she reveals. Micro-finance recipients attend community worship once a month and fellowship meetings once a week. “I would go through the motions, singing along with my hands raised, but making snide remarks to those around me about ‘the trouble we go through to receive a small loan’.”
But God’s Word eventually got through to her and one day she asked Jesus to become Lord and Savior of her life. Staff have discipled her and have since watched her grow steadily in her relationship with and love for her Lord. God has changed her ways as a wife, mother, and entrepreneur.
CCT recently sent her story as an entry in the Lydia Award organized by PEER Servants, one of CCT’s international partners. (The award is named after Lydia, the woman entrepreneur in Acts 16 who used proceeds from her business to expand the kingdom of God.) Emily’s story was chosen as one of three semifinalists from among entries from several countries and hopes were high that she would be chosen as the Lydia awardee. This was not to be however, but instead of feeling disappointed and sorry for herself, Emily, having read the stories of the other finalists, humbly said they were definitely more deserving than her, and praised the Lord for this.
The Holy Spirit truly is at work. Some of our staff have been invited to share the CCT story – our triumphs, where we have failed, what we have learned – in other countries where the poor need assistance. Foreign guests have visited communities where we operate to see how the Lord has been changing lives and families there. And dozens of churches, small and large alike, have partnered with us to help the poor.
Emily’s story and hundreds of stories from the field that we still have to write about are testimonies to the fact that evangelism and micro finance can – and do – go together.
Jesus…stood up to read… “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.” Luke 4:14-19
Dear Father, You alone, through our Savior Jesus Christ, can bring transformation and sufficiency. We are humbled by the opportunity you have given us to be vessels of your blessing to the poor. May you be glorified in all we do. In Jesus’ Name we pray, Amen
A Fresh Start
This is that time of the year when people think of new beginnings, of starting afresh, of doing away with the old, of making changes. At CCT, we’ve done an assessment of our work over the past five years and discussed strategic directions for the next five. Like almost everyone, I have a clean calendar and a new planner on my desk, ready for the new year.
When I think of new beginnings, Frankie Libre, a former street dweller easily comes to mind. Frankie was just 16 when he left Negros Occidental on a ship bound for Manila. He thought he could find a good job here and support his folks back home, but like many other migrants from the provinces he was wrong. He found work at a noodle factory but the only pay he received was food and board. Next he worked at a series of construction sites but the salary was never big enough to pay rent on a small room for him and his girlfriend, Joy.
The young couple eventually joined an informal community of street dwellers who lived near the Manila Bay area. In good weather, they had tree branches overhead for a roof. When it rained they took shelter under a bridge. It wasn’t an easy life. It became even harder when, one day, a construction foreman fired Frankie and with that, Frankie quit trying to earn money the honest way.
He resorted to stealing. He says thieves each have their own ‘specialization’ – a favorite set of items to steal. He specialized in stealing phone cables, manhole covers, and water meters, and sold these to junk shops. He also began doing drugs at about this time, and found himself in and out of prison because of vagrancy. But God had wonderful plans for Frankie. Through a series of feedings sessions and Bible studies held on the street by the Kaibigan Ministry, Frankie learned of God’s transforming love.
He had a fresh start in life when he accepted God’s forgiveness and the new life He offers through Jesus Christ. He and Joy were married in a mass wedding organized by Kaibigan. They have extended the love showered on them by God by adopting a little boy unable to be supported by his own parents.
Today, Frankie is a member of the Kaibigan Ministry staff. He organizes street fellowships, does counseling and discipleship work, and in coordination with CCT directs street dwellers to other organizations —government of otherwise — that can give them assistance. He is an effective worker, having known what it is like to live on the street.
2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
Dear Father, Thank you for the chance to have a fresh start, to begin life anew. Thank you that in your Son, Jesus, the old can go and the new can come. Thank you for Frankie; in 2011, please use him to help many more street dwellers find new beginnings in Jesus. In His Name we pray, Amen.
At the Front Door
Three seconds after they opened their mouths to sing, I began to wish I were far, far away….
Spreading Joy
Several Christmases ago, a group of Nanays* from our Tatalon branch in Quezon City wanted to spread some joy by going caroling. They asked if I would help with arrangements. I thought it would be nice for them to sing for one of the CCT board members, so I made the necessary phone calls and wrote the date agreed upon in my calendar.
Meanwhile, the Nanays got together for several evenings for several weeks to practice.
On the big day, we – about 30 women – all piled into two rented jeepneys and headed for one of the most exclusive subdivisions in Makati.
Our hosts and their children received us warmly at the front door.
What we didn’t know was that they had prepared dinner for us. We were led through the house and out to the garden in back. The Nanays’ mouths dropped open at the landscaping and the soft lights; they marveled at the sight of skirted tables with place settings and cleverly folded napkins.
They nervously sat down with our host family and partook of a delicious dinner.
Croaking or Caroling?
Then came the time for the Nanays to sing. But three seconds after they opened their mouths I began to wish I were far, far away. I cringed in embarrassment and consternation. I wanted to hide under one of the skirted tables. I hoped the earth would open up and swallow me to its core.
No lovely carol filled the night. No awe-inspiring Christmas melody. No song to remind one of the Savior’s birth. Where were the beautiful voices of these humble women? They were croaking out their song! The second carol was no better than the first. The third was just as bad. The fourth – forget it…. And finally the caroling was over without spreading any cheer.
But my shame was not over yet. Our hosts beamed, applauded, and began handing out gifts! It was not enough that we had ruined their evening by singing like a bunch of frogs and taken a few hours out of their busy lives. They had even prepared individual gifts – not items all alike – for the Nanays.
We piled back into the jeepneys. The Nanays, however, did not feel like going home yet. One suggested, “Why don’t we go caroling in Tondo?” (She meant a poor section of Manila). So we drove to one of the communities we assist in Tondo.
Singing Well
There the women sang with gusto. Not a note went astray. They even harmonized!
“I don’t understand,” I told them. “Why could you not sing this well earlier?”
“We were overwhelmed,” they explained.
“By the expensive house? By the lovely garden setting? By the good food?”
“No. By the way we were received,” one of the Nanays said. “We have never before entered a rich man’s house by the front door.” Most of them, at one time or another, had been lowly housemaids or laundrywomen who had to come into a house by the backdoor.
Co-equals in Christ.
Our hosts had treated these poor women as co-equals in Christ. They had not considered themselves better than the Nanays because they were richer or better educated. They had taken on Christ’s attitude of humility as described by Paul in Philippians 2:5 – 7. – Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.
They had sat down to dinner with these women. Their security guards had not frisked the women when they left the house. But most of all, this rich couple had welcomed the Nanays like they would have welcomed an important business associate or a dear loved one – at the front door.
Dear God, as we celebrate your birth may we take on your attitude of humility, not considering ourselves as better than others, not looking down on those who have less, but seeing ourselves and them as your creations, made in your image, equally loved by you.
Amen.
*Nanay is the Filipino word for mother. In the context of the Center for Community Transformation, ‘Nanays’ refers to women from poor communities who receive micro finance assistance.
